(no subject)

[weary_head]

Dean's body ached from the inside out, every last part of it wound so tight it was a wonder he had any strength left for walking, but walk Dean did. His feet had carried him to every part of the island at least twice, and now they'd brought him to the tree Sam had taken from the jungle and planted the last time Dean disappeared.

What, you made me into Arbor Day?

Sam hadn't smiled then, and Dean didn't smile now. Between Sam's screaming absence and Castiel's news, Dean wasn't sure he'd ever smile again. Not once, back home, not once had he taken Sam for granted, and on the island it'd taken all of a year to relax his guard, let himself reach for things that made him happy, and now his little brother was gone. Back to the worst of all possible futures, and Dean was as powerless to save him as a child.

He pushed his fingers over his eyes, holding back the panic as best he could. Sam was out there, fighting Lilith with only Ruby at his side, and Dean was in fucking Margaritaville. With a grunt of dissent, Dean walked forward, head shaking angrily from side to side. They hadn't been through all of this to be separated now.

The fistful of leaves tore easily away from the branch. Dean stalked north with his prize, to the place where the path split four ways. In times past, a left would have taken them to the baseball field where the both of them had played in a way they'd never been able to as children.

He punched rather than dug the hole in the ground.

When the last leaf was buried in the ground, Dean sat back on his haunches and waited. He didn't have anything left to barter with, even if a demon did come, but he had to know.

He had to know if this was truly done.

Comments

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

"Digging a hole," he answered quietly, and it wasn't the smartass reply it sounded like. Dean was digging a hole - for himself, for the happiness he'd gathered and was now threatening to smash, for the hope that when he turned around, Sam would be there again. All nearly lost and soon to be buried.

"He'd do it for me."

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

"He's out there, and he might come back. It's happened, you'll be together again," Angua said, throat tightening enough to choke the words as they came out. She knew they were useless in the face of Sam being gone now, but what else could be said? She believed that the lives they lived here were separate from the ones back home, not just some forgotten blip in their timeline. Still, it didn't mean that Sam was gone forever.

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

"He's gonna get hurt," Dean ground out, terror he was trying to hard to hold at bay giving the words a rougher edge. "Things are - god." He pushed his hands through his hair, pulling them back when they trembled more than gave relief.

"More fucked than usual back home."

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

"What?" This was news to Angua. She edged closer, crouching down next to Dean. She took one of his hands in hers, squeezing as though to stop it from shaking. "How do you know?"

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

Dean's hand hung limply in hers. He felt like he was going to come apart at the seams. If he squeezed hers in return, he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep it gentle.

"Cas told me. He's - he's seen a lot more than I have." More than Dean wanted to recount to Angua, that was for damn sure.

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

"But he hasn't seen the end of everything," Angua said, trying to keep her voice steady and sure. "You can't control what happens in the other universe, and you can't worry yourself sick over the possibilities."

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

"It isn't possibility," Dean muttered bitterly. "In Sam's world, he watches me die. And he gets sent off to fight a powerful demon, and I don't get to help him."

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

Angua looked down, eyes on the dirt without seeing it. Her hand was bruisingly tight around Dean's, but she didn't register that, either.

He wants a Sam. Says so. Sometimes a Bobby. Sometimes a dad.

"So you are dead, back there," she said, voice dull and chest tight. She already knew, had known for a long time. But it hurt to hear him confirm it.

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

"Sort of." Dean sank his free hand into the dirt, down deep where it was cool. The thought still scared the shit out of him, even knowing it was temporary, and he knew it didn't sit so well on Angua, either.

"I die, Sam watches, and sometime later Castiel pulls me out." He shook his head. "I'm still not clear on what happens after that, but it's not good."

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

"Castiel pulls you out of Hell?" Angua said, head turning to look at Dean in disbelief. "Were you ever going to tell me this? I've been worried sick, you know, thinking you're dead back on the Roundworld."

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

Dean exhaled softly. "You say that like you knew it would happen. Up until a couple months ago, I thought maybe I'd get out of it. And when I knew I didn't, I couldn't tell you that." He gave a helpless shrug.

"What would be the point? Things were good, my life was supposed to go on here." Not fall the fuck apart for no reason that Dean could see.

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

"Your life will go on here," was all Angua could get out, tears threatening to blur her vision. There was too much despair that she couldn't even grasp the relief of knowing Dean had escaped Hell.

"I already knew," she said, softly, as an afterthought. "Black Dog told me."

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

"Hell of a get out of jail free card," Dean breathed, but what tiny bit of mirth he'd found died away at the look on her face. He wasn't doing right by her, and he knew it, but Dean didn't know how to stop feeling the way he was. The only thing worse than the grief was the guilt, and Dean couldn't make that go away, not for any of their sakes.

"I'm supposed to look after him. I'm his brother."

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

Angua didn't know if he was thinking about back home, or the disappearance. Either way, he couldn't control what happened, even if he tried, even with the best intentions.

"I know, Dean, but you're also human. You can't stop this place from doing what it does any more than the rest of us. It's not your fault," Angua said, touching his jaw with her free hand so he'd look at her.

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

Dean let her turn his head, but she wouldn't like what she saw there. "Doesn't matter," he said. "I've been looking after him since he was six months old. Fault or not, he's my responsibility."

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

"Right. And you're expected to protect him from a magical island? No one can do that," Angua said, wanting to beat it into him until he believed it.

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

No one could raise people from the dead, either, and Dean had managed that one, hadn't he? He was wise enough not to say so.

"He's in trouble," he said instead, blinking hard. "I can't stand the thought of him out there."

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

"I know, Dean, but you're out there too," Angua said, cupping his face in her hands. "You said you don't get to help him fight the demon, but are you certain? Castiel told you, but he could be lying, or wrong. Time is fluid, who can even know what is going on right this second anywhere else? You could both be seventy years old somewhere right now for all you know." Angua tried not to get worked up, but it wouldn't do any good to go over every what if and maybe. They couldn't do anything about the other universes here, she wished they couldn't hear about them at all.

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

"He's an angel," Dean managed. The reality of it was building inside of him, no matter how hard he tried to be angry instead. He closed his eyes, but felt the track of hot tears down his cheek. "An angel would know. Sam's in trouble. He knows."

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

"Then you'll be there to help him. Not the you here, but the you back there. You'll be together back there, I know you will," Angua said quietly, wiping the tears away with her thumbs. She pressed her forehead to Dean's temple a moment and kissed his cheek, staying close.

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

Dean's voice broke. "But I'm not. The angels, they've got me locked up for some reason, and Sam's with Ruby. He's using his powers and he shouldn't - " His breath hitched. "Cas sent me to him but I don't know if I made it. He's gonna get hurt."

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

Angua kissed Dean again and wrapped her arms around him. "Shh...Dean, an angel sent you. He's powerful, isn't he? If he sent you I bet chances are pretty good that it worked," she said, smoothing a hand over his hair.

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

"And then what?" Dean couldn't help but ask. "When does it fucking stop? Why can't he just be here, and be safe. He was for years." His fingers wrapped around Angua's wrists, holding on. "Why now?"

[loaded-wolf.livejournal.com]

"I don't know," Angua said, trying to be strong, but her own voice trembled. Her biggest fear was that she would wake up one morning and Dean would be gone, taken from her for good. She understood his fear, and that's what made it even worse.

"He might come back. You did," she said, breath hitching. "He might."

[weary-head.livejournal.com]

Dean nodded, pressing his face hard against her shoulder. He wanted to believe Sam would come back. Given everything else that had happened in this place, he almost could, but it was the island that had sent Sam away again.

"I don't want to leave you," he whispered. "I just want to be with him."